B2B Brand Segmentation – Named and Shamed

Trying to understand B2B Brand Segmentation? We’re here to help.

The challenge of brand segmentation, fragmentation and, crucially, how to impress the ladies with an improbable LinkedIn title, is proving troublesome for many people in B2B marketing. This is partly because B2B branding and market segmentation strategies can be complex. Mainly though, it’s because LinkedIn is full of dicks.

—oOo—

“We need to extend our market reach, Baldrick. Discuss.”

“Extend our reach, Sir? For inbound marketing? Certainly. What do you have in mind…?”

“Well, we’ve offended every Managing Director, Marketing Director and Marketing Manager that we know in B2B marketing, so I think it’s time to spread our wings and offend some other halfwits.”

“A point of clarification Sir?”

“Yes, what is it?”

“When you say, ‘we’ve’, offended everyone…”

“Yes, alright, I mean ‘I’ have offended them, but let’s not dwell on the semantics – find me some other titles on LinkedIn that we can reasonably consider for brand segmentation.”

“Brand segmentation? Very good Sir. Should we start with the Ninjas…?”

“The what?”

“Ninjas, Sir. You know – Marketing Ninjas, Digital Ninjas, Social Ninjas, GDPR Ninjas, ABM Ninjas… There are literally thousands of them. No one ever sees them in daylight of course, but an army of Ninjas exist in the shadows of their own questionable LinkedIn profiles.”

“It’s worse than I thought out there.”

“Oh, yes Sir, much worse. There are still quite a large number of legacy ‘Gurus’ too, from the heady days of social media. They’re older now, naturally, but no less desperate. Still trying to justify an existence of pointless stupidity. Social gurus, data gurus, oh and I believe I saw some ABM gurus as well.”

“Keep looking.”

“Yes Sir!”

 

I’m not prepared to accept any colonial twattery related to ‘reaching out’ in emails or conference call conversations.

 

–oOo–

“So, Baldrick, how is the audience profiling going? Have you been successful with our new B2B brand segmentation?”

“Yes indeed Sir, I’ve found a number of niche, but growing, market segments that I think we can exploit.”

“Excellent. What are they?”

“Outreachers, Sir.”

“What?”

“Outreachers – Outreach Executives, Outreach Managers, Directors of Outreach, Outreach Leaders, GDPR Outreach Consultants, Outreach Development Managers…”

“Are you having a fucking laugh?”

“Eh, no Sir.”

“Is that how we’re rebranding B2B marketing now, ‘Outreach’…?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Is outreach even a word?”

“I don’t actually know Sir, but they are legion.”

“I’ll concede, ‘reaching out’. But only in the context of a physical stretch – ‘the child reached out to take her mother’s hand…’. I’m not prepared to accept any colonial twattery related to ‘reaching out’ in emails or conference call conversations like, ‘Thanks for reaching out and circling back on the heads up of the go-to strategy’. Twats.”

“Good to see you’re remaining objective and dispassionate, Sir.”

“‘Outreachers’ is not a real word, those are not real jobs and people using it in their titles are twats. They will not be part of our brand segmentation strategy. What else have you got?”

“Hackers, Sir. We could target the Hackers – there are lots of them.”

“Hackers? HACKERS…? Oh, for fuck’s sake. What, like computer hackers? Why would we want to speak to computer hackers?”

“Eh, no Sir. The other Hackers. You know – the, ‘Growth Hackers’.”

“‘Growth Hackers’…?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Seriously…? ‘Growth Hacking’ is a thing?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m afraid hacking is a definite thing, Sir. Growth Hacker, Inbound Hacker, Social Hacker, Experience Hacker, Journey Hacker, ABM Hacker – you name it, someone will hack it.”

“And ‘hacking’ is an actual job, is it?”

“Steady on Sir. None of those people actually do any brand marketing work, that’s why they need ‘Hacker’ in their job title.”

“Look, please just tell me our brand segmentation strategy has a future we can all be proud of…”

“Well, I found an ‘Audience Evangelism Director’, if that helps…?”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I shit you not, Sir. Direct from LinkedIn.”

“I’m too embarrassed to even say that out loud.”

“Quite.”

“B2B marketing is full of pretentious wankers these days. I’m going to have to think very seriously about changing my own title to maintain my position of thought leadership.”

“What, from, ‘Scot McKee, Legend’? I really don’t think you have anything to worry about in the pretentious wanker department, Sir.”

“I’m starting to not like you Baldrick.”

“Oh, thank you, Sir.”

“So how do we create a brand segmentation strategy we can actually use?”

“I think a Unicorn might be the answer Sir.”

“A ‘unicorn’? [Sigh.] And will we need a cuddle blanket to keep our unicorn warm…?”

“Ooooh, I dunno Sir – but a quick Google search returned almost 27 million hits for Marketing Unicorn…

“Shoot me. Just shoot me.”

“And I also checked, ‘Scot McKee, Legend’. You only managed 0.5 million hits, Sir. The future is unicorn. ‘Every little unicorn helps.’ ‘Just unicorn it.’ ‘A unicorn is forever.’ ‘Finger lickin’ unicorn’. ‘This unicorn’s for you’. ‘Be more unicorn…’”

“Not another word, Baldrick. Not, another, word.”

 

Scot McKee
Managing Director
Birddog

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