Birddog

Creative B2B Copy

By Scot McKeeScot McKee

Anyone in B2B marketing can write a list product functions, but it takes an artist to narrate fiction. It’s easy to identify the need for creative B2B copywriting, but not so easy to switch from mundane product description to distinctive brand communication…

Wednesday 13th December, 2017

“I'm calling about the creative marketing copy you sent us for client approval.”

“Sure, how can I help?”

“Well, we’ve all read it...” [Voice trails off]

“Right. And...?” [Raises eyebrows]

“And, well, [Pause] it doesn’t have our core message in the headline.”

“Core message?” [Shoulders slump]

“Yes.”

“I see. And which of your many and various ‘core messages’ were you hoping to see in there?”

“We rather expected to see the Enterprise Matrix Manifold Channel Journey Accelerator Process in there.”

“Right. Have you actually heard the words that came out of your mouth there?”

“Excuse me?”

“The string of random bollocks that just fell out of your mouth? Have you actually played them back to yourself?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Well, that’s my point - I don’t know what you mean either. Those were meaningless words of business nonsense. It might mean something to you inside the business, but trust me when I tell you absolutely none of your prospective customers understand you. Was it you who came up with the Enterprise Matrix Manifold Channel Journey Accelerator Process?”

“No, it took seven of us.”

“Did it, did it really? And how do ‘The Magnificent Seven’ explain those words?”

“Well, if you’re looking for enhanced enterprise performance within a matrix structure of channel accelerative manifolds...”

“No, stop. It’s melting my brain. Dead word-jelly is seeping out of my ears and ruining my highly machined, laser-cut, anodised aluminium keyboard. Just stop.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Right. So, let me get this straight. You’d like to see, ‘Enterprise Matrix Manifold Channel Journey Accelerator Process’ in the headline copy.”

“Yes please.”

“Remind me, how does our proposed copy read at the moment?”

“It says, ‘So fast, it’ll blow your Granny’s pants off.’ “

“Pahahahahahaha! Brilliant. Who wrote that?”

“You did.”

“Oh yeah. So I did. Brilliant.”

“Well, yes, but it doesn’t say any of the, you know... the company ‘word-jelly’ words that you don’t like.”

“I know. There’s a reason for that. I thought I’d explained our reasoning sufficiently.”

“We’d still like... our version.”

“Your version?”

“Yes please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to check? Phone-a-friend maybe...?”

“Well, actually, now you mention it, maybe if I could make a quick call...”

“Nope, too late, time’s up. Let’s just have a quick review. You came to Birddog to help you with your messaging, your competitive positioning and the creative articulation of your brand. Correct?”

“Yes, yes we did.”

“So we did that. After much pain and suffering and gnashing of teeth, we distilled everything down to the single defining performance attribute of ‘speed’ and everyone was happy.”

“Yes, yes we were.”

“Then we applied some creativity and humour and conversational accessibility to your otherwise totally incomprehensible product function - and nailed your Granny. In a manner of speaking.”

“Yes, but we didn’t like that.”

“You don’t like nailing your Granny?”

“No, we don’t like the absence of the Enterprise Matrix Manifold Channel Journey Accelerator Process thing.”

“I see. You prefer your, ‘thing’?”

“Yes.”

“Right. So, the ‘thing’ that we do, you know, the thing that we’ve been doing for over quarter of a century that wins B2B marketing awards - that’s the bit you don’t like?”

“Yes.”

“The thing that quantifiably raises brand awareness, differentiates, improves brand loyalty and increases sales - that’s the bit you don’t like?”

“Eh, yes.”

“The thing you asked us for because your copy sucks, doesn’t work and needed replacing with our narrative magic - that’s the bit you don’t like?”

“Well, we... eh...”

“The thing that requires the brand marketing expertise you specifically selected Birddog for, because we have it and you want it - that’s the bit you don’t like?”

“Umm. Sort of. Yes.”

“Ok. I think I understand now. Thanks for clarifying.”

“Great. Thank you. It’s a bit awkward I know, but thanks for your understanding. So, anyway, now we’ve cleared all that up, would you be able to take another look at the headline?”

“Sure. Absolutely.”

“Really?”

“No. Fuck off.”



Scot McKee
Managing Director
Birddog

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Article by Scot McKee